Lets Catch Up
A month ago, March 08, I got a call at work around lunch time that I never could have prepared myself for. On the other end of the line were faint tears from our matching agency, and only the words, “Im so sorry Brittany, Mama R has lost the baby. We don’t have many details but we are working on getting some. Im so sorry.” My heart shattered. I dropped into my seat in my office and just began to weep. “How? Why? This doesn’t make sense.” I mustered the ability to call Brandon and we headed home. The word heartbreak was more real than ever in that moment. I could feel the stabbing pain of loss in the deepest crevices of my heart. Even sharing this now, my heart breaks for that little life lost. No, that sweet baby was not ours. No, we did no know that sweet baby. But, man oh man had we grown to love that baby and their mama. To be able to move forward and heal from this type of loss was foreign, is foreign. Every day brings a different type of hurdle in healing. Every day holds its own reminders of Mama R and that little life lost.
We had cautiously, as you do in adoption, hoped and dreamed of the day, May 03, that Little One was due. We dreamed of what was to come and how life was about to change! We were counting down the days in every way an expecting couple does. Just 8 weeks left, 56 short days. We got the nursery 100% ready. We made plans for travel and staying in Florida. That call rocked our world. The foundation I stood on suddenly was a lot shakier and my hope crumbled, my dreams faded, and my heart hardened without warning. I just could not wrap my head around why this was happening.
A Bit of Our Fertility Story
Many do not know Brandon and I’s story. Maybe if I kept it to myself, it would not hurt so badly. Maybe if I kept it to myself, we would not get the awkward comments and looks of sympathy. Maybe if I kept it to myself, I could just wish it all away. Over the course of the past month or so, I have been encouraged by some of those closest to us to share our story, to share the part of our lives that we have desperately attempted to keep so locked away.
Our fertility story has been one of pain and lots of heartache. With my autoimmune issues, it was made made known early on by physicians that it would be difficult to get pregnant. There was always a lot of upfront honesty about how hard my fertility journey would be and I always just kind of brushed it aside. I believed it, but I refused to allow it to define me (or so I thought). When Brandon and I started dating and we got to the point where kids were discussed, I shared with him the issues we could, well, most likely would face. He gently smiled and said “well good thing there are kiddos that need homes all around the world….we were made for them.” I knew he was the one my soul was made for in that moment. Our hearts from the beginning have beat for adoption despite what God does through us biologically in our fertility.
In 2013, a little over a year of marriage in, you can imagine the unbelief I faced when I found out I was pregnant. We had just started international adoption paperwork, as we knew adoption was our first choice, so pregnancy was quite the shock! But, at around 8 weeks, we lost that precious life. The next 3 years were full of ups and downs and in March of 2016 we closed the door to international adoption and went full force into the world of domestic adoption. Then, in August 2016, we experienced our 5th miscarriage, a baby due in March 2017. In the midst of our current adoption journey, we found ourselves with a hopeful pregnancy, everything seemed healthy and great at every appointment, at every ultrasound. Jesus decided though, as He did the others, it was time to go Home. So, we ended August with unimaginable pain but with immense joy as we moved forward with the adoption journey that God had set us on and that we refuse to push aside.
In those moments, I became more aware than ever that life is fragile. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Everything we have in this world could be taken away in an instant. Still, we often believe we have some amount of control over our lives. Overwhelming fear invades when reality confronts us, leaving us frantically grasping for control we do not have. The harder we work to hold it together, the more fear threatens to enslave us.
The above quote is an except from Mary Lynn Johnson that was a part of a daily Desiring God study I follow. I ran across this quote just days after we got that call that Mama R had lost that precious life. I read this over and over vowing that I would not allow fear to threaten and enslave me. I clung to the Jesus that I know. To the Jesus that has been and always will be faithful.
He will be faithful to accomplish the plan he has for us (Psalm 138:8). It cannot be cut short before he allows. Although it may be hard to relinquish the illusion of control, once we do, we can begin to understand the reality of his protection.
We went from being told getting pregnant would be extremely hard, to getting pregnant repeatedly for God to only then call them each Home, to losing a baby through adoption. It is not something I can wrap my mind around. It is not something I can always say I find the joy in. But, I do know, there is glory unseen. There has been peace beyond my understanding. There is hope despite the darkness. We lean into these words that Mary Lynn Johnson shared so perfectly:
“In the stillness of reflecting on what God has done and what he can do, he assures that he is fighting for us.”
Adoption Loss and Biological Loss
The pain of miscarriage is hard. None of them have been easier than the one before. Knowing my body is working against me helps me to grasp the pain differently, but the pain is still very real and very rooted. God has promised us a nation, and we cling to that. We cling to what we know He has whispered to our hearts. We do not know whether we will ever have biological children but we will never give up on the hope, no matter how hard.
With the loss through adoption, the pain was almost worse. I cannot explain it though. My heart broke differently. This time, I felt like God abandoned me. He had already taken away 5, why take away the one that I couldn’t even carry? Why not just let the mama decide to parent? Why more death? Its hard to see the goodness in this plan. Its hard to see the joy through the process. I know God is good. I know God is faithful. I know God is working all things together for my good, for our good, for the good of our future family.
Pushing Through the Winter Pruning
Living in Georgia we get to experience every season. We may not get to experience each as long as we would always like, but nonetheless, we get to experience them. This past winter was full of mountaintops and valleys. As you guys have followed along our adoption journey you know of the many many no’s that we were met with as our profile was presented to mamas starting in October. We prayed so hard to be matched by Christmas, but Christmas came and went. The new year came and went. Then came January 20, a call from Mama R, a personal call, asking me to be the mommy to her coming baby, for Brandon to be the proud daddy. Our winter turned into a whirlwind of preparing and praying. February is a blur, just a blur of bliss.
Then there came March. March began with the reminder of the baby we lost in August that should have been born in those first days. Then, the call on March 8,
Mama R lost her baby. Then just a couple short weeks ago, my sweet grandfather went to be with Jesus. The patriarch of our family that I have prayed so hard for to find healing….for all of us still here but especially so that he could meet our first child, his great grandchild that he would have poured his love all over….I needed him to be here. God had a better plan. I am glad that March has come and gone. I have never sat in so much grief all while trying to move forward and live a life that glorifies Jesus. I failed miserably at both of those, but hello April, please let the pruning be over and allow the blooming to start.
Moving Forward in Hope
Not only 2 days after the phone call from agency, we were presented with a case of another baby, already born. I won’t get into the details, but in the midst of healing and putting ourselves back together we were the ones to say no then. We are back to presenting now and our profile book is in the hands of a few mamas we are waiting to hear back from. We have already heard more no’s and thats hard…every…single…time. A no is always a sigh and a look to Jesus to whisper, “That wasn’t our child, I get it, keep pushing us toward our child.”
We need your support! As you all know, adoption is expensive and while we are still setting aside funds, we are also brainstorming more ways to raise support. We are still raising support via our PURECHARITY site (a very very small fee comes out as with all fundraising sites, but this site only releases the money to the agency we are matched with) and through donations via Venmo (Brittany Remy) and Mailed Checks (for those that want to make sure every penny goes toward the adoption…and we promise to put this ALL in our savings that is set aside for adoption expenses only). OR any other creative way you would like to give!
You can help us out by sharing our post! Share our PureCharity page. The more that these are shared, the more people that hear our story and can join us in bringing home our sweet baby. We need your prayers. We need your help. Your love has carried us this far and we are so appreciative of that. Keep it coming!
We know every day brings us closer to having Baby Remy home, but we have to have all of the logistics out of the way too! Its all part of the process.
Thanks for allowing me to share my heart in this post and I pray that you would join in supporting us through daily prayer as we continue on this journey!
Love you all- Remys